Breathe for Me (Be for Me 1: Xander) Read online

  That was the last thing she wanted. “I don’t want you to—”

  “You don’t want to talk, you don’t want to swim,” he interrupted in a furious tumble of words. “Well save yourself the struggle, because I already know why. It’s the accident. It’s about the night your fiancé drove off the road and you both ended up in a river.”

  Chelsea reeled back like she’d been punched in the nose. Her eyes watered, pain howled through her head. He knew? How did he know? Horrified, she clapped her hand over her mouth. She stared as disbelief raged through her system.

  “When did you find out?” She breathed harshly. How the hell had he found out? Who had he talked to?

  He hesitated. “A day or so after the fire alarm.” His expression blanked, his answer came calm and even. But his eyes never left hers.

  She leaned against the wall, dropping her gaze to the ground. All this time he’d known? Since almost the moment they’d met? Before they’d even had sex? He’d known basically the whole time? And what had he made of that? Was this whole thing part of his wretched lifesaver syndrome? Had this been nothing but sympathy sex?

  No wonder he’d waited those little moments for her to fill in an extra detail—and she never had. She’d not wanted to. She still didn’t want to.

  “You should have said something,” she said. “You should have told me that you knew.”

  It hurt. Betrayal, pain shafted through her chest.

  “I was waiting for you to be ready to tell me.”

  Her mouth dropped and she stared at him. She wasn’t ever going to be ready to tell anyone the whole truth. She’d never be able to. She couldn’t. “That’s not…” she broke off. “That wasn’t what this is about.”

  “What was I supposed to do?” He turned away, running a hand through his hair and then whirling back to face her. Defensive. “You were walking around with a giant diamond on your engagement finger but giving me those eyes and you—” he drew in a sharp breath. “You wouldn’t tell me.”

  “That was my right. I don’t tell anyone here.” She’d never told another person the whole truth of that night. “I wanted to forget it for a while. Wasn’t that the whole point of this thing between us. Isn’t it all about the fantasy?”

  “Yes.” His face had paled. “But it’s still based on trust, Chelsea. There’s honesty at its core. There has to be. You could have trusted me.”

  “I did trust you Xander.” She shook her head. “Do you think I’d ever have put myself in such a vulnerable position with you if I didn’t?”

  His expression shuttered. “But only physically.”

  She couldn’t trust anyone with anything more. “That’s all this was meant to be.”

  And now she felt betrayed. He’d changed the protocol—the status of this arrangement.

  “So you didn’t try to find out anything about me?” he asked. “You didn’t ask Brad about me?”

  He knew that? Oh that was embarrassing.

  “And you didn’t ask Logan?” he added.

  And she thought she’d been subtle. “That’s different.”

  “How?”

  “They were never going to tell me something so…”

  “So…?” he prompted.

  So personal. So private. Something that if he knew…

  “Okay,” she said crisply. “So you know. Tom died and I lived and I’m single and staying that way.”

  He shook his head. “You’re just not over it yet. You’re never going to stay single. You’re not built to be alone.”

  “Don’t patronize me. I’m stronger than you can ever imagine.” But even though it was the truth, her stupid eyes filled with tears again.

  “I know strength.” He stepped forward, framing her face in his hands. “I know how strong women can be. But you don’t have to be alone all your life. That’s not right for you. You’ll fall in love again one day.” He pressed his lips together firmly.

  That ridiculous prophecy made her all the more determined not to.

  He suddenly laughed. “Sometimes you’re so obstinate.”

  “Don’t belittle me.”

  “Chelsea.” He sighed and took a step back. “I’m sorry I tried to get you to do something you weren’t ready for. I was trying to help.”

  “I don’t want you to help in that way. I just want—”

  “Me to fuck you.”

  Her heart clenched. She couldn’t let this become more than that. And he didn’t really want anything more, did he? She couldn’t bear to be hurt again. “I just want to have fun with you. And yes, having sex with you is a big part of that.” She closed her eyes. “I just wanted to have a good time. And for you to have a good time.”

  That mattered more than it probably should.

  His hands settled on her shoulders. “I do have a good time with you, Chelsea.”

  “Then we’re okay.” She willed him to understand. “Xander, this is what is. Don’t try to change it,” she pleaded. “Don’t try to help me. Yes, I’m scared of going in the water again. I can’t ever tell you what that night was like. What happened. Please don’t ask me to. Please don’t try to help me with that.” She looked down. “If you can’t leave it, then we need to end this.”

  There was a long moment of silence as she waited for his answer.

  “We’re not ending it yet,” he said in a low voice.

  Relief swept through her in such a force her legs went weak. But he still looked serious, his jaw firm. Shadows lurked in the depths of his eyes too.

  Everyone bore some kind of scarring—it was part of life. Of course now she wondered what troubles his life had dealt. Even though she’d just said physical was all this was, her curiosity about him rose.

  As they were driven back into the city, she twisted in the back seat to face him. “You know, it’s not fair you know something of my past and I know nothing of yours.”

  He shrugged, keeping his focus on the window. “Not my fault if my research was better than yours.”

  “But maybe we need to even things up. You could tell me something.”

  “I could.” He answered light enough.

  But he wasn’t going to. Which, she supposed was fair given she’d been the one to ask him not to try to help her, to ask her to talk. But his attitude sparked her own. “I could force it out of you.”

  He turned his head, his eyes kindling. “How would you try to do that?”

  Her brain fuzzed at his changing expression—the predatory sharpening of his features. Lust. Excitement thrummed in her veins. That’s what she wanted—for him to be aroused. For him to lose all control in his desire for her. Maybe that’s what she needed to make him do.

  Xander didn’t go back to his apartment after the aquarium fiasco. He didn’t want to give her time to retreat back into her shell. He’d agreed not to ask, but that didn’t mean he was going to back off completely.

  Maybe he was a damn fool, but he just couldn’t. He followed her into her apartment, took a seat in the centre of her sofa and pulled out his phone to check for emails—his basic displacement activity. But to his utter shock, given the tense conversation they’d just had, she didn’t try to distance herself from him. Instead of retreating, she sashayed towards him. It seemed the last thing she felt at the moment was anger.

  “What would you like to do with me? To me?” she asked.

  “You’re offering yourself up for anything?” Xander asked, somewhat bemused. Didn’t she get that she did that to him on a nightly basis already? He spun the story and she danced.

  She nodded, her gaze fixed on his.

  Her wide-eyed supplication rubbed off the thin scab that had barely grown over the unresolved frustration.

  “What do you want to do?” He watched her eyes as he asked her straight out. “Tell me what you want to do. You know you can tell me anything.”

  Shadows appeared. Uncertainty. Reluctance. She wasn’t going to—either say or do. Why the hell not? As much as he still wanted her, it pissed him off.
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  He could be as dominant as any other red-blooded guy when he had to, but he wanted a partner, not a slave. At least, he could do the master/slave thing for fun sometimes, but sometimes he wanted to be the slave. Well, for about two minutes before he broke the chains and staged a coup. But still, he’d make an effort to submit for a few minutes. Trouble was, he wanted her to make the effort. But she wouldn’t. Nor would she talk to him. She didn’t want anything more than what he came up with, she’d just made that more than clear.

  He stood up from the sofa and pocketed his phone.

  “This isn’t going to work Chelsea. I’m sorry I pried into your life, I shouldn’t have,” he said walking towards her door and avoiding looking at her eyes. He didn’t want to see her hurt at all. “I can’t be the guy you need.”

  It wasn’t enough for him anymore.

  Chapter Sixteen

  The Sunday from hell was followed by the Monday from an even deeper, hotter part of Hades.

  “What do you mean the space is no longer available? Are you sure?” Chelsea tried not to screech into the phone.

  “Look I’m sorry. The construction crew have a gap and they can start work sooner. I really am sorry but I have to go with them.”

  “Oh.” She tried to think. “Of course.”

  She hung up the phone and stared at it glumly. That was it, her project was screwed. She’d tried so hard to hide the disappointment as she’d taken the call but she’d failed. She knew because the guy had kept apologizing.

  She’d wanted to make a go of it, wanted to succeed in something—her first real challenge since the accident. She’d wanted to get her career and study back on track. To make the other interns and her boss proud of her. To get some good data for her research project. She didn’t want to let them down. But she had.

  She closed her eyes, tried not to panic. Maybe she could figure a way out of this? Maybe she could find another venue? Maybe she just needed to work harder?

  She didn’t think about Xander. She’d been ignoring the low ache beneath her ribs for hours now and she’d keep ignoring it. Every time his name, his face, appeared in her thoughts she pushed him out.

  She got a really bad headache.

  She worked as late as she was allowed in the office. And then, unwilling to face the bazillion basil plants in her apartment, she set up at the twenty-four hour diner down the road from her apartment. She surfed the Internet, put an SOS call out on the pop-up’s Facebook page and drank coffee in desperation. But she was getting nowhere fast.

  She rested her elbows on the table and held her head in her hands. Eyes closed.

  “Everything okay?”

  She jumped. Oh hell. Xander stood by her booth.

  “Of course. I’m fine.” She forced a bright smile. She so didn’t want to go into any of this with him.

  “Really?” He dropped into the seat opposite, bringing his eyes to the same level as hers. “Why don’t you try answering that one again.” His expression was implacable but he sounded concerned. “You know you can tell me anything, Chelsea.”

  Could she? There was one thing she’d told no one. And she wasn’t going there today. Today was all and only about work. Even so, it distressed her and she didn’t want to fall apart in front of him. Yesterday’s emo nightmare had been more than enough. But there was no getting away from his determination. She was just going to have to stay tough, matter of fact—unemotional. “My space has fallen through.”

  “Your space?” He frowned.

  “My 3 by 3. For the pop-up pizza.” She swallowed back the painful lump in her throat. No tears. She didn’t want to cry and cling and complicate. She didn’t want to force him to offer the kind of comfort he didn’t want to have to. He’d known all along about her history and while he’d been waiting for her to open up, she also knew that part of him didn’t really want to deal with her personal fallout. He’d only wanted fun. Originally he’d only wanted one afternoon.

  He looked surprised. “But you’re building this week?”

  “Not anymore.” She sighed. “The construction crew putting up his permanent building came to him ready to start much sooner than originally thought so the two weeks space is now nothing.” The two weeks it had going to be a cute little pizza parlour.

  She looked at the table between them, trying to sharpen her brain and think of solutions, as she’d been trying these last six hours. “I could put it on the back of a truck,” she mused aloud, mainly to stop herself from looking longingly at him. “But I’d really wanted it to become part of the local environment. To be green from the outside.” She shook her head. “I’m just going to have to find somewhere else.”

  But at such short notice? Property in Manhattan was premium, the island wasn’t getting any bigger. She’d never manage it. And now she had a thousand basil plants taking up every spare inch in her apartment for no reason and an on-loan pizza oven taking up valuable space in Wroxton HQ. It would never be fired up.

  She finally looked back into Xander’s eyes. He was watching her too closely. Now he reached across and put a hand over hers—not a sensual touch, but a supportive one.

  She stiffened, determined to hold herself in check. Because she didn’t want pity, didn’t want him to empathize, didn’t want him to be all understanding and kind. She’d lose it completely.

  She sat back, slipping her hand out from under his. “I’d better keep working on it,” she said.

  He froze. “You want me to go?”

  “I’m going to spend the night online trying to find alternative venues.” She gestured at her laptop.

  If he didn’t leave shortly she’d break down in front of him. That was the last thing either of them wanted.

  “Alright,” he said coolly. “I’ll leave you in peace.” He slid out from the booth and stood. “You know if you don’t want company, you should lock yourself in your apartment.”

  She closed her eyes in frustration he walked out of the diner without a backwards glance. He was chilly, and pretty much had every right to be.

  She’d failed. Not only on the pop-up front. Her months in New York were going to be a total washout.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Early in the morning Xander laced his shoes, still mulling Chelsea’s problem. His problem. Serving pizza by the slice in a pop-up pizzeria made of plants for a couple of weeks might an ‘out there’ idea, but he’d wanted to see it work. More importantly, she’d needed to see it work. She needed to have her interim beautiful something to see her out of her personal wreckage.

  But he’d been cut by her dismissal last night. Hell, for a moment he’d thought she was looking all sad and weary because of him. As if. Then she couldn’t have made it clearer that she didn’t want his help. But he’d helped her with the plants the other night without asking and she’d coped okay with that, so what had been the difference?

  He loped down the stairs, checking his watch. He was on time. Hunter was just walking through the foyer and they broke into an easy stride without saying anything. Five minutes later Xander managed a laugh as he saw Logan and Rocco heading towards them.

  Logan’s running outfit looked like he thought it was winter. Long sweats, long sleeves, a cap pulled low and sunglasses large enough to cover half his face. The newly grown beard covered the other half.

  “What’s with the disguise? This because you’re a sex celebrity now?” Hunter teased as they turned along the pavement, almost at the park.

  Logan muttered foul things under his breath.

  Xander chuckled. For Logan to be this bothered was unusual. He was already a celebrity of sorts what with his skiing record, and having become the ‘face’ of his company. Normally Logan never eschewed media attention.

  “You’re really not proud of it are you?” Rocco commented from a half pace behind. “Just forget about it.”

  “I have forgotten about it,” Logan growled, his feet thudding faster. “It’s the family who haven’t.”

  Xander winced. He knew h
ow hard Logan’s father could be. The guy sliced away emotional support with a single look. The ultimate lack of forgiveness. For all the extra-marital activities he might have indulged in himself, the old devil was always discreet and expected his sons to be the same. He’d hate the playboy notoriety Logan had earned. And it was getting to Logan. It was obvious from the grim line of Logan’s lips—the slight pallor encircling them. He was having it tough. Well, Xander could do some distraction for him. “Rocco, I need a favor.”

  “Sure, what?”

  Xander grinned at his buddy’s agreement before he’d even heard the request—but he knew it wasn’t really going to fly. Not with Roc. “I need some space. About 3 by 3.”

  “Inside the hotel?” Rocco frowned. “You can have a whole suite if you want.”

  “No I need a space outside—where the public walk. For a stall.”

  “A stall? Like a bake sale or something?” Hunter asked dryly, sounding as incredulous as he ever got.

  Xander tried to explain the concept as best he could—and then cajoled. “Come on Roc, can you do it for me?”

  “Planning, permission…” Rocco shrugged, a negating gesture.

  “They love you,” Xander argued. “You’ve brought so much traffic into the area. So many consumers.”

  “Hell, sorry Xan, but you’re never going to get a pop-up pizza joint in my block.” Rocco pulled an apologetic face.

  “Logan? You can find me a space. I know you can.” Xander looked at his quarry. “You have contacts like no one else.”

  “This is that important to you?” Logan took off his cap and wiped the sweat from his brow before tugging the hat down low again.

  “Not to me, but...” he trailed off and saw the sly grin flash over Logan’s face. Shit. How easily had he walked into that trap?

  “And she’s what’s important to you.” Logan had it already.

  “No.” Xander gritted his teeth, refusing to think that even in private moments. “But she’s had a tough time. I’d like to see her have some success.”